Dark Yagami: A Commentary
by Shiki's Favourite Pocky
Summary: If you thought My Immortal was bad and your precious Death Note fandom is safe, think again. Luckily, I'm here to help you survive the cesspool of crappy puns, awful incest and canon rape that is Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami.


**Ladies and jellybeans, boys and gorillas - *cough* Ladies and GENTLEMEN, boys and GIRLS, welcome to Pocky's commentary on the most infamous Death Note fanfiction – 'Light and Dark The Adventures of Dark Yagami'. It's considered the My Immortal of Death Note – even though it doesn't have as much goffikness – and believe it or not, the original still exists on Fanfiction, under the original author, D'arkYagam'i. **

**Anywho, yes, I am familiar with the Death Note fandom, but I only know the basic gist of it because the only thing I've seen of it is this DVD called 'Relight: Visions of a God. It's a movie, and I think it just throws all the important points of the anime into a single film. When I bought it from Sanity I thought it was the original anime with all the episodes, but thus, it wasn't. Matt, Mello and Near don't appear in it, so although I've heard a little about them I don't know exactly who the hell they're supposed to be. So I may get some details wrong in this commentary due to not watching the actual anime, reading the manga or misinterpreting something in the movie. If I do misinterpret something, feel free to correct me, though I've just started reading the manga.**

**Despite that, I've come to love Death Note, particularly because LxLight is coming very close to becoming yet another favoured yaoi shipping of mine. The fanart… is just adorable. Too bad D'arkYagam'i ruins the essence of the pairing later on in this fic…**

**Because there are 48 chapters in total, I'll MST 3 at a time. Chapter titles will be commented on as well, because they're just headdesk-worthy.**

**On that note, I really need to shut up now and let you read my MST! Enjoy!**

Chapter 1 A NEW BEGINNING OF ACTION! **(Let's go!)**

Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami

_AN: Hi thanks for reading! _**(I'm only doing it for the sake of few MSTs on this.)**_ Please rate high! _**(I rate low. *thumbs down*)**_ Note this story has some cusses _**(You're a kind one, making sure innocent children step away from your fic.)**_ but its Light's dad that says them so its pretty funny. _**(But Soichiro isn't really the kind of guy who uses foul language…) **_Also if you know what Light's mom is called please tell me lol!_**(Read the freaking manga. Or better yet, Google it.)**

Light and Dark – The Adventures of Dark Yagami

It was a hot day and Light came home from school. As he got to his house he saw a strange car outside and he knew immediately it was not American **(So what if it's not- Wait a sec, are you implying that Light lives in ****_America!?_**** JAPAN, BITCH. LIGHT LIVES IN JAPAN.)** because the wheel was on the wrong side. **(I live in Australia, but American cars look exactly the same as cars from other countries. Except the licence plates.)** He walked in the front door to find his dad Soichiro and his mom (AN: I cant remember her name sorry!). (**I heard you the first time, you ludacris fool! Go Google it like I told you to!)** They looked surprised to see him. **(Why? The first thing Light does after school is go home and… kill some criminals.)**

"Mom dad what's going on?" Light asked them. **(This isn't gonna end well.)**

"Light we have something to tell you" said his dad while playing with his mustache.

"This is your twin brother Dark Yagami" **(Light and Dark Yagami… HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL! I actually found another fic where Light had a twin named Dark while searching for this…)** they both said together, and pointed to the guy in the corner of the room.

Dark looked exactly the same as Light except that he had black hair and was dressed like Mello **(Next thing you know this guy'll go, 'he has hair like Gerard Way' or 'she looks like Amy Lee except her eyes and her hair's in a different way.")** (but Light hadn't met mello yet so he didn't know that ;-) ). **(THEN WHY MENTION HIM!?)** He got up and walked across the room.

"Hi bro! I'm Dark!" he said lolling **(Wow, Light killed him early. Nice one, Lighty-nighty! (Don't ask…))** and offered his hand to shake.

"How could you not tell me about this!?" Light shouted like mad.

"We sent him to a top secret orphanage in Whales **(The country of adorable sea animals.) **(it's a **(COUNTRY)** town in England) where he would learn to be the next L. **(He wants to be a detective. Right.)** We can't tell anyone because its top secret and kira might find out and Kira might try to kill him" his mom said. **(Please kill him, Kira…)**

Light was crazy and punched table. **(Poor table.)**

"I'm going to my room! Come on Sayu!" he said and Sayu (Light's sister lol!) **(I was going to say that for the non-Death Note fans, but it seems you've beat me to it…) **followed him upstairs.

"I'm sorry light I wanted to tell you about Dark but mom and Soichiro wouldn't let me." **(Shoot! Light would've killed him for us.)**

"That's ok!" Light replyed "Your my sister and I know how much you love me!" **(Cue extreme OOCness of Light Yagami.)**

"Thanks Light!" they hugged.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" It was Dark. **(They're your brother and sister. Don't worry 'bout it.)**

"Come on Dark I've got something to show you" Light said and they went into their room (Light's parents had made light's bed into a double bed (I know what your thinking sickos no theres no slash!)). **(Mmm, yaoi twincest sounds really good right now…)**

Light put the pencil in the door to stop people listening and said "I'm Kira". **(Um, no. Light wouldn't just tell a random stranger that he's the serial killer of various criminals. Still not the Light I remember.)**

Dark immediately shooted **(Hey, it's rude to shoot your own brother.) **"I know it!" **(How? Do you have proof?)**

"Your a worthy successor to L I know why your his successor now." Light said.

"Don't worry bro I wont tell anyone. In fact I have a death note of my own." **(Because the whole fic would be completely boring if he doesn't.) **Dark replied pulling a blood red notebook **(Death Notes aren't like iPods; they only come in one colour. And that colour's black. A perfectly appropriate colour for a Death Note.)** out of pants (he put it there in case his bags was searched). **(What if his pants were searched, huh?)**

"Hey your death note is a different colour to mine" he said pointing to the black death note in Light's draw. **(Does he think all Death Notes are red?)**

"Stop saying colour! Your in **(JAPAN) **America now! Its color!" Light replied exaspirated. **(Stupid joke is stupid.)**

"Sorry lol" Dark said. **(DURRHURR THAT WAZ SO FUNNEH! HERP DERP.)**

"This is my shinigami" he said and light saw a big **(DEATH GOD) **monster appear. He was like twice the size of Ruyk **(Then Light's house is fucked.) **and had a big mowhawk made of blood and skulls. Even Light was scarred of him. **(This seems to be what I like to call a ShiniStu. Pretty catchy name, huh? But yes, this shinigami is a Gary Stu.) **He was eating bananas like Ruyk ate apples but they were blood bananas made of blood. **(…Okay then.)**

"He's big" said Light as the shinigami bit down on a blood banana "What's his name/"

"_MY NAME IS BLUD_" **(Freaking hell, I can name a shinigami better than that!)** said Blud as he kept eating the blood banana **(We get it! He likes blood bananas! Ryuk didn't shove his apple addiction in our faces, now did he?) **"_I AM THE NEW KING OF THE SHINIGAMI _**(ShiniStu! Shini shini ShiniStu!)**_ AND I HAVE A SPECIAL DEATH NOTE THAT KILLS ANYONE WHOS NAME IS WRITTEN IN IT EVEN IF YOU DONT KNOW THERE FACE OR NAME_" (**ShiniStu! How the fuck is that even possible!? And did I mention he's a ShiniStu?)**

"I have to unpack now said Dark **(I really like how he seems to be like, "Yeah, my shinigami's king of shinigamis. Do you care?")**

"Ok I will leave you to it" Light replied and exited the door.

Dark took his cellphone out of his special place (AN: figure it out for yourself lol!) **(Ooh, I know! He hid it in the boxers he's wearing!)** and pressed the L button. **(Aww, I wanna L button on my phone T.T)** L's phone began to ring

"Hello who is this how did you get my number?" L said angry. **(Shit, L's already acting OOC. He's hardly ever angry, and even if he is, his voice is monotonous.)**

"I am D" Dark said "I have killed Mello **(Who the fuck is Mello anyway? Some sort of criminal?)** and stolen his clothes **(Okay, I changed my mind. Dark hides his phone in Mello's boxers.) **and run away from Watari's house."

"What?! But Watari would have told me if M was dead." L said shockingly.

"I also killed Watari" **(If this Watari guy's on your side, you can't just say to L, "Oh, but I killed him. He's no use to us anymore.)** said Dark who was playing with his red death note.

L looked around his room. Watari was still standing in the corner just like he always did.

"But who's this with me then" L asked? **(The lonely question mark needed a place to stay, so it just went to a random place it doesn't belong.)**

"A fake" **(Is it a live dummy or something?)**

At that moment Watari took his mask off and it was (GASP!) **VOLSEMORT AND DA DEATH DEELERS!** Light's dad!

"Die you pies of shit!" Soichiro said as he pulled out his gun and pointed it at Ls head. **(TRAITOR!)**

TO BE CONTINUED!? (yes!) **(No!)**

Chapter 2 I explain some stuffs **(Hopefully it's important stuffs.)**

FLASHBACK: 1 month ago

FLASHBACK: 1 month ago **(Flashback from 1 month ago… got it!)**

Watari House, England **(I have a feeling that Watari lives in Japan. Good luck dealing with all your angry English readers.)**

Mello was sitting in his dorm **(Does he go to a boarding school or something?) **eating a chocolate bar. **(I ate a chocolate bar while watching my Death Note DVD ^.^)** The floor was covered in lots of chocolate bar wrappers which went crunch **(As opposed to…?) **when Mello stood on them. **(I've heard this guy's a chocoholic in canon… or am I referring to Matt?)**

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in!" said mello putting down his chocolate.

The door spun open to reveal Dark standing wearing a dressing gown with a posh letter D on the back. **(Must be pink and done in cursive.) **He had an evil smile on his face and an even eviller one in his heart. **(And for some reason Ruby Gloom just came into mind. Must be because of its catchy theme siong.)**

"Where is Near?" **(I think I'll ask: ****_Who _****is Near?)** asked Dark puzzled.

"He is near" joked Mello.

"Ha ha very funny" replied Dark. **(Hate to say this, but I agree with Dark. Hell, I wouldn't be too surprised if that joke was used in canon.)**

"Ok he's gone to Scotland today **(These characters sure love travelling around the world…) **but will be flying back this evening. **(Scotland is… what, 9 hours away from England?)** Until then we'll be alone" **(*cue pervy thoughts*)** Mello started zipping his leather vest thingy "Want to have some fun?"

Dark grinned and nodded. In a flash Mello had removed his close revealing just a set of black boxer shorts printed with lots of posh letter Ms. **(Oh, so they're really gonna do it huh? Let's take a look at the author's smut skills, shall we?)**

Dark pulled an pistol out of his dressing gown and pointed it at mello. **(S, S, S, and, M, M, M!)**

"Just because you look like a girl doesn't mean your hot." **(*looks up 'mello death note' on Google Images* Holy crap, he ****_does _****look girly! Dark's right!)** said Dark and shot him and stole his clothes (but not the boxers obv!).**(Then Dark's 'special place' is Mello's pants.)**

"I say! what's all this noise!" said Watari coming in the room. He saw Dark's gun and shouted **(I'd call the freaking cops if I were you, Watari.)**

"Bloody bugger! **(Great. Now I'm getting flashbacks of a Portal trollfic where Wheatley wouldn't say a single sentence without fucking up British terminology. I've gotta feeling that Watari will do that too… DX)** You shot Mello! Now who will kill Kira"? **(Um, a whole lot of other people?)**

Dark shot Watari again **(No one told me you shot him the first time. Plus, why shoot when you have a Death Note? Or is this post-DeathNoteWielder!Dark?) **and he fell to the floor shouting. Then he stopped shouting and died. **(Good. As an Australian, our terminology is pretty similar to Britain's, so I'd get a headache reading Watari use British slang every time he speaks.)**

Once he had escaped the house, Dark took his mobile (AN: that's what English **(And Australian.) **people call cellphones) **(I don't think the ickle Americans are ****_that _****stupid…)** and called a mysterious phone number. **(Ooh!)**

"Hello? Who is this?" asked the mustached man.

"I am your son Dark. The one you abandoned 19 years and sent to a boarding school in England. **(Ugh! Why the dark past?) **Well I have escaped now **(How?) **and I need you to do me a favor and dress up like Watari and confuse L." **(Okay, this entire flashback is utterly pointless. The only new thing we learnt is that Mello died wearing nothing but boxers with pink M prints on them, written in cursive.)**

"How do you know about Watari?" asked the dad who was very confused. **("What the fraggle is going on?" Asked the sporker, who was equally confused.)**

"I killed him!" **(Again, announcing your slaughtering to random people isn't gonna cut it.)**

There was a surprised gasp but then Soichiro came back and said he would do it but only if Dark came back to live with them in **(JAPAAAN!) **America. Dark agreed but he didn't have money so he would have to hide in a box and fly in an airplane and hope he didn't get spotted. **(…I think that last sentence just contradicted itself.)**

ONE WEEK LATER

Soichiro took the trunk off the spinner **(What spinner? Do you mean conveyer belt?) **and carried it to the car. Noone **(For some reason, the 'noone' typo really gets under my skin. Worst of all, it's not just awful fanfic authors who use it.) **but him knew that Dark was hiding inside it. **(And when he comes out, he won't remember anything but his own name. This scene is so reminiscent of the first Kazumi Magica chapter…) **They went through the x ray machine but that was no danger because the box had lead in it and that confused the machine and stopped the x rays being seen. **(…the fuck?) **Once noone **(GAH!)** could see them Soichiro opened the box and Dark jumped out.

"Good job dad!" said Dark as he jumped into the car.

"Now take me to Light. I have a lot of interesting things to say to him….." **(Like how you stole Mello's pants?)**

PRESENT DAY

L dodged Light's dad's bullets and ran across the room. He hid behind a pile of candy **(I went trick-or-treating the other night! Yeah, I still do. I happen to share L's sweet tooth. :3) ** and said "Stop Soichiro! I can help you"

Then Soichiro ran over and said "I know I have not really betrayed you. **(Whaaattttt!?) **Instead I have learned that Dark killed Watari and Mello." L was shocked.

"In fact I think that Dark is Kira" **(Ugh, please don't tell me Dark's gonna be more Gary Stu-ish than Goku! D:)**

"Of course! It all makes sense now!" shouted L. **(Whatever happened to considering peoples' words before believing them? That and L rarely shouts…)** "He framed his twin brother when in fact he is killing people somehow. We have to stop him!" **(At least L agrees that Dark's a douche.)**

"I think I have a plan…." **(Are those bread crumbs Hansel and Gretal dropped to find their way back home?)** Said Soichiro twisting his mustache like an evil guy.

DON'T WORRY THERE'S MORE SOON! **(Shit!)**

Chapter 3 Misa and Sayu do sexy stuff! **(Hell no! Yuri ALREADY!? I have nothing against lesbians or anything, but when it comes to stuff like this yaoi's first, het second and yuri last. So… no, I don't wanna see Misa and Sayu doing sexy stuff.)**

BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE

BACK AT LIGHT'S HOUSE **(We're back at Light's house now? That was fast!)**

Light switched on the news. There were lots of evil people on tv so he wrote their names down and killed them. **(How freakin' descriptive.)** Dark meanwhile was still unpacking his box which was full of detective stuff he had been given while he was at Watari's house. **(Like magnifying glasses and handy gadgets…)**

The door bell rang and Light shouted I'll get it! **(As the author failed to use quotation marks.) **He ran down the stairs and opened the door. It was Misa! **(Misa! GTFO of this shitfic!)**

Misa was wearing a lacy dress but it wasn't all goth like her old one. Instead it was white and had blue skirt which was short. **(See? This author likes screwing with characters' fashion preferences, just like Tara!)**

"Ah Misa! I am happy to see you!" Light said hugging. He looked around sacredly **(LOL!)** his mom was in the next room and might hear him. **(What's wrong with having Misa around? If you two are gonna work on some 'Death Note business' your mum'll just think she's a friend of yours.)**

"Did you bring the" he winked "homework" he winked again.

Yes.

"Come with me" he said and they went upstairs.

Light and Misa went upstairs and knocked on the door.

"Hang on I'm getting changed" said Dark. **(But they walk in anyway. Hehe.)**

"Ok he's probably naked so you can't go in there. Wait out here for me" said Light to Misa as he opened the door. **(The author gets that twin brothers seeing each other naked isn't a big deal, at least.)**

Once Misa was alone Sayu came out the closet (get it!? : P ). **(Shut up, if I don't like yuri I don't like it. Okay?)**

"Hey Misa! I know your secret!" she said. **(Wait, what? What secret? How?)**

Misa tried to look calm but the fear in her eyes said a different story. She was very frightened because this girl might know the truth and she would be in trouble.

"I don't know what your talking about" she said scared.

"I know that you and Light and Dark are Kira and your killing people" **(See, that's a con of having two Kiras living in the same house…)**

"NO! Don't tell people! You have to keep it a secret" Misa screamed. **(At least keep your voice down if you really wanna keep it a secret!)**

"Ok. I won't tell L on one condition you have to sex with me." **(Deargodwhy… SAYU IS ONLY FOURTEEN!)**

Misa looked surprised. She stepped back and gasped. **(Just run the fuck outta there and save me from whatever horrible sex scene the author'll conjure up.)**

"Your a lesbian?" she asked curiously.

"Yes. Why are you?" Sayu said back sexily. **(I'm straight, if you really wanna know.)**

"I am vicarious" Misa replied as she took her dress off and walked into Sayu's room. **(GET IT AWAAY!)**

Meanwhile in Light's room **(PHEW!) **Light and Dark were talking about the new powerful death note. **(I had no idea Death Notes can be upgraded. Again, they aren't like iPods!)**

"_I GOT IT BECAUSE I KILLED THE OLD KING OF THE SHINIGAMI AND THAT MADE ME THE NEW KING." _Said Blud_ "THE KING GETS A POWEFUL DEATH NOTE THAT LETS HIM KILL WHOEVER HE WANTS AND ALSO HE GETS A PALACE AND A WIFE AND ALL THE BLOOD BANANAS HE CAN EAT" _**(Do Shinigami kings even exist in Death Note?)**

"Let's try it out" said Light.

"Ok to test it lets kill this guy." He pointed to a tall ugly guy on the tv. The man was fat and was presenting the weather. **(But he's not a criminal… Light would test it on a criminal…)**

"But I don't know his name" said Light confused. **(Good to know that Light has ****_some _****common sense.)**

"You don't need to. All you need is the face." **(So what, you just doodle the guy's face in the Death Note? What the fuck!?)** Replied **(Replied who?)**

Light wrote in the death note **(WHAT DID HE WRITE IN IT!? Did he go, 'Please kill the fat weather guy on Sakura TV' or something?) **and sure enough, the man died! **(Wow.)**

"Oh my god that is so good!" said Light amazed as he watched the man roll around the floor dying. "Now let us try it on more **(CRIMINALS!)** tv people….."

Meanwhile back in Sayu's room **(But I wanted to stay in Light's room! GET ME OUTTA HEERE! DX)** Sayu and Misa were both in there underwear. Sayu was wearing a blue Nike sports bra and short and Misa was wearing a bikini with glitter on it that was shiny against her blond hair. **(DON'T WANNA KNOW.) **Misa let her hair down and said to Sayu "you look so hot" **(YOU DON'T MEAN IT MISA! YOU DON'T MEAN IT!)**

Sayu leaned over and began making out with Misa. **(FUUUUUU-)** Quickly she unbuttoned Misa's bikini (**L and I are 99.9% certain that bikinis don't have buttons.)** and it fell to the floor leaving her topless. Sayu then took her own underwear off and she was naked underneath. Misa squeaked as Sayu began moving down and frenched her neck. **(UGH!)**

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. (**WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!)** Sayu cussed and went to the door. **(Without covering herself? That's just plain stupid.)** She opened the door at and it was…**Dumbledore!** Dark!

He looked shocked and said "my sister's a lesbian!" **(Honestly, if my sister answered the door in her birthday suit with another naked girl nearby, I'd faint. No, really.)** Sayu realised she was naked **(Just now? Idiot.)** and slammed the door shut.

"F-CK OFF YOU PERV! MOM AND SOICHIRO SHOULD NEVER HAVE ADOPTED YOU BACK" she screamed. **(Sadly, Sayu's the most Ebony Way-ish character so far. Poor, poor Sayu DX)**

"I'm sorry Misa but we'll have to do this some other time" said Sayu. (**Good idea…)**

Misa winked back **(But Sayu didn't wink!)** and said "I hope so" and grinned. **(I hope not.) **She took her cloths and put them on and climbed out of the window so noone would see.

When she was alone she took Misas bag that she had left behind. She looked inside it and found a black notebook inside. **(Why the hell is Sayu, who only appeared twice or so in 'Relight: Visions of a God', a major character in this!? She's getting more screen time than L!)** She took the secret cellphone her dad Soichiro had given her and called it.

"Hi dad! I did what you asked and got Misa's bag! **(Sayu's some sorta spy… great.)** There's a book inside and it says death note on the front and its full of dead people!" **(How did a bunch of corpses fit into a little black book?)**

"Excellent" dad replied **(This gave me the mental image of Mr. Burns rubbing his hands together and going, "Eexcellent.")** "Now the game can begin…" **(The longer the ellipsis, the more dramatic!)**

OH MY GOD WHAT! **(I think this story scarred even the author.) **FIND OUT MORE NEXT TIME!

**So there you go. You and I have just suffered chapters 1-3 of LDADY. If you think that's bad, think again, because it gets worse as it goes on.**

**Comments and faves (or reviews, faves and follows, depending on whether you're reading this on DeviantArt or Fanfiction) are appreciated but not necessary,**

- **Pocky**


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